The life of an JHS ALT (aka A Dancing Monkey)

 You graduated from college with a degree in Artistic Cockgobbler. You are ready to set the world on fire with your unique ideas, and you are prepared to right the wrongs the world has done. However, before you place your foot on that stage, you heard about Japan and the wonderful world of teaching English to a bunch of children. You saw the pictures of a white, blonde hair woman with images of food on a blackboard. Her hand, pointing at some child, and the other hand is pointing at a picture of a pizza. You see kids smiling, raising their hands, ready to answer the question about pizza. 

You see this image, and ideas start rolling in that head of yours. You want to change the world, and what better way than to do this with many children. Hey! The pay seems good. This is your perfect starting point; to a new world where your talents can be put to use.

This is just an exaggeration of the general view of why people come to Japan. I don't judge the reason why coming to Japan. I only consider Japan's situation, partly made by the same people who came to this country.

The desire to speak English is something that many people dream of pursuing. The benefits of using English are far great to pass. I am a true believer that English will have its uses in the coming years. That is until our new overlords with their superior language come over and take over the economy. Until then, we are satisfied that English is a bridge that will connect many cultures. I am not selling English, but I believe it has its benefits for the time being.

With this in mind, it is no coincidence that many countries need English, but alas! They do not have a person who can speak the language. In comes the savior, Mr. English-man.

Mr. English-man will come and share the knowledge of his culture and language to the simpletons. However, our hero has to climb a few obstacles and decide who is worthy of his experience.

Let us start at the cream of the top. The best place our hero can come in with the best pay. That place would be the JET program. This place is perhaps the best place for an idiot who had just come out of college and ready to experience the real world. The pay is not bad, the hours are easy. The workload? Varies from place to place. Location? Varies, though most of these people end up in the countryside. 

So what is the JET program? It takes people who are "eager" to experience Japan and have decided to go to Japan and teach English. Many of the places they teach are mostly elementary and junior high schools (JHS). Some go to high school (HS), but the majority are usually working with elementary kids. I will not get into too much detail about what life is inside these places. I will save that for another post. 

The process of selecting these bright individuals is based on an application that determines if these highly-skills individuals can write their own fucking name. Then, a background check, to see if they got caught masturbating in a park. Sadly, there are no background checks to see if these people are high-functioning retards. Afterward, an interview process determines if these saviors of the world can actually communicate like decent humans. The selection process seems random and with no real purpose. Why do I think so? All you have to do is look at their message boards, Facebook posts, Reddit posts, and see the type of things they ask. 

"Can I bring my own computer to my work?"

"How often should I call my parents?"

"I forgot my application. What do I do?"

The English language is in luminous hands, I tell you!

After these enlightened individuals pass the process and have their plane ticket, they go to Japan, where another orientation occurs. Skipping a few parts later, they arrive at their home, where they experience loneliness. A high probability they end up in some countryside where everyone knows everyone. Off to school, they go, where nothing much is expected of them. They are told to dance in front of the kids, and that's what they do. The pay is good, but they can only be a dancing monkey for a couple of years. Luckily, a new batch of idiots are ready to take over, and the process is ready to repeat itself.

JET is the best place for the saviors of English to come to Japan. The pay is good, and they will eventually enjoy dancing like apes covered in shit.

However, after the JET time is up, our savior does not want to return. How can they return? The love for dancing around like an idiot was a fantastic experience. Indeed it gets better, right?

It is at this point where the decision comes to a "choose-your-own-adventure" book. That decision is based on how desperate the savior is. The path is to go to an eikawa or join a shitty dispatch company. From here on now, it's all downhill. It is nothing but depression and late-night drinking. Masturbation cannot save you from this point on.

Eikawa

What is eikawa? The owners will tell you it's an English school. If you consider KFC to be a healthy meal, then eikawa is an English school. Eikawa is where Japanese people pay a fee (give me your money/hour) to speak to a foreigner. The foreigner is a "teacher," which is like saying the cook at the KFC restaurant is a culinary chef. Every horror story about bad English teachers is usually from some eikawa place.  A "teacher" touching people inappropriately? Refusal of pay? Working for 5 days and spending your days off prepping for the next workday? No breaks? Chances are, these problems are coming from eikawas. 

The level of eikawa depends on the business. By level, I mean, who the idiots want to pay and sit down with these people. Most places are for children, usually 5 years and older. Others are for older people. These bored Japanese men or women who hadn't had any human contact in a year want someone to speak to. They had some English experience in the past, and they don't want to lose their skills. 

Small eikawas are there to squeeze money out of idiot parents, and there are big chain eikawas. They demand their "teacher" to dress in business outfits, to portray their image that they are respectable. Same shit, different company. 

Eikawa is where dreams die, and the reality of being at the bottom of the barrel for English-speaking jobs lies. 

All you have forward to look for are cheap alcoholic beverages used to remove rust and masturbate yourself to sleep. You wake up in your own vomit and juices. Repeat the day.

ALTs

ALTs (Assistant Language Teachers) are basically the dancing monkeys for the real English teachers of Japan. 

"Whoa there! Are you saying ALTs are not ENGLISH TEACHERS?" 

"How dare you, sir!"

In my experience, this industry (if you can even call it that) needs anyone with a pulse and a mouth to be an ALT. The only places that need someone with actual knowledge are private high schools, but they are not safe.

During my first year in Japan, I went to a drinking party with some of my coworkers. After a couple of beers, many of them said that they were happy with this group of people they were working with. Many of them had the experience of working with shitheads foreigners who were the equivalent of a putrid cow-shit left on the sun for too long. I didn't understand what they were talking about, but lord jesus, do I know now.

But for our ALT? Is he one of those putrid cow-shits? Probably. I always believe that everyone has some decency in their hearts until they shit all over it, and my respect for them just goes lower and lower.

Regardless of how you feel, what future does our ALT have? Depends on who where he works.

Chances are, the big ALT companies in Japan have a monopoly of ALTs and few schools to send them to. Truth is, there is a battle every year in March/April for money. ALT companies, or Dispatch Companies, fight over who gets to send their dancing monkeys to. Board of Education (BOEs) have a meeting with these companies and listen to their proposals. 

"We have great teachers at low prices!"

"Our teachers have worked with your schools in the past, and look at the good stuff they've done!"

"Look at how happy your students are! Ohh, the teacher who was drinking at work? Ohh, he is gone! Don't worry!"

Bids are places for which company gets the contract for the year. If the BOE and the Dispatch company agree to the terms, then the ALTs have a job. If the BOE decides to go with another company, then tough shit, ALTs are out of a job.

If our dancing monkey ALT has a job, then off they go to elementary school. Most of the ALTs are sent to elementary schools, six of them. Depending on the company and contract, elementary ALTs are sent to more than one elementary school. Others are sent to more than one JHS. It is a rare thing to have an ALT with only one school. 

Once an agreement has been made, the soon-to-be ALT is given an extensive 5-day training (at best) to 3 hours. Through this extensive training, our savior learns the do's and doesn't manage a superior position of saving the English education of Japan. Things like warm-up games, what a decent worksheet looks like, how to submit paperwork through a fax machine, and demonstrate your skills to a Japanese staff that has no care for your gifts. You are a walking and breathing money-maker for them. You are a cog that must maintain a pulse for them to make money off from your ignorance.

Regardless of the training that superior intellectuals ALTs receive, nothing can really prepare them for working with a staff full of upset, bored, tired & exhausted Japanese staff. Japanese teachers are overworked, overstressed, and could not really care about the ALT that gets replaced every year. Ohh, did I forget to mention that? 

Yes! ALTs have the luxury of rotating schools every year. Though rare, ALTs will not always be working at the same school. However, this decision is based solely on the company that gives them the meager paycheck ALT needs to survive.

Slowly, the excitement of the ALT wanes and wears off. The only thing that keeps the ALT excited is leaving early for work. From here on, only the cheap alcohol, attempting to find a companion, and the endless Friday nights of masturbation might give this ALT the boost it needs for another Monday morning lesson.