The beginning again

 It is a cloudy Sunday evening. I am at a Starbucks listening to old Spanish music, looking at the young people walking outside without a care in the world. I am inside wondering about where the damn fleas came from that are infesting my house. The only question I ask myself is, "Why do I have such bad luck?"

A few years ago, I started this blog post during my young and ignorant college years. I kept one as a way of keeping notes about things that I found peculiar; exciting people I met, something stupid I overheard, or my ramblings that went nowhere. I spent most of my time rambling about nothing interesting. It would just go on and on without a point. I was a young man, upset with the world, troubled with college debt, concerned with my stupid choices, so I let them out in my blog. I kept many interesting posts, which I was quite fond of. Granted, these were not something the "future-me" would be happy to read, but I enjoyed my ramblings.

I believe in ideas like time-capsules, or putting notes in a bottle and throwing them into the sea, in hopes some unlucky person in a distant future will open it, read it, and see how insane the idiots of the past were. In truth, we are all idiots, but at the moment of when we do the things we might regret in the future, what might bring shame into our heads after a night of drinking alone with your thoughts, they seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Go tell that young girl how awesome you are! Don't worry about the smell of tequila and the piss stain in your pants, you got this champ!"

I believe my old blog posts were piss stains that I instead did not want to look at again, but they were my piss stains. Like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, they were my precious.

But something magical happened, Google bought Blogger and all of my insane shit had vanished. All of my posts about my cat running off into our yard and start a fight, my posts about how I hated young people even though I was one of them, and my posts where I had a dream I decapitated another man in horseback, all gone.

For years, I did not bother to look at Blogger again. I was done with blogging. Nobody really read them. I was desperate for an audience to read the insane shit that I joined a blogger circlejerk. We jerk each other off by joining a service, where you would have to look other people's posts in random order, and in turn, someone might stumble upon your posts, read it, and subscribed. I never did subscribe, but I participated in the circlejerk for selfish reasons.

"Yeah, your posts were great, look at mine next! Thanks for your likes!"

I was addicted to "likes" and shares. The comments, not so much. Validate me! Look at my posts! Read about my cat! Fuck those other posts!

Since the takeover, my life had changed, and I am no longer the same young man posting insane stuff. I am now an older man posting insane shit happening in my new life.

So a proper introduction is needed. But I believe I should introduce my younger self first since this post is all about my younger-self. Even now, he still wants validation.

I was living in Canada at the time of my first blog posts. I was a college student, single, in debt, and I had found a girl whom I loved very much. I was living in a problematic home, abusive stepfather, abused mother, and being the oldest, I was tasked with raising my little brothers and sister. I was a father to them. My future was uncertain at that time, but I hoped I would like to do something big. I thought maybe moving to Japan and starting a new life. Growing up in an immigrant house, I was tasked to do many things; cook, clean, do housework, help out the drunken stepfather with renovations, or his mechanic work. Om the weekends, I had something inane on the weekend to ensure the best work ethics were instilled in me. I had a part-time job and never really got to rest. If I did rest, I was scolded for sleeping like a lazy man.

Looking back, you can see why I was upset, and I needed to ramble on about anything. So, where am I now in life?

I am now an old man living in Japan. I moved to Japan with the woman I loved back in my college years, but things did not work out. We had a peaceful separation. I live in the apartment we moved in together. I work as a high school English teacher for a big school. It's massive. I had many interesting hobbies, mostly weight lifting but with corona, being poor again, and lack of discipline had to lead me to be a bit fat. I am not morbidly obese by any means. I can still run, lift, and do many things. My body no longer responds, so what I demanded with my younger self. I live a life where I met many interesting people. I am by no means depressed as before, but my desire to question things has always been the same, regardless of age.

I think it is perhaps best to stop here. I have many ideas of what I want this blog to be about, but it is best to stop now.